


bad things happen when you mix siblings with spite

by inazumaghostking



Category: X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Boys In Love, Charles Being Concerned, Charles Is a Big Dorkface, Charles Xavier has a Ph.D in Adorable, Cherik - Freeform, Crack, Crack Fic, Erik Has Feelings, Erik Lehnsherr is not a Happy Bunny, Erik Logic Is The Best Logic, Erik is Crushing Harder than a 12-year Old Girl, Erik is a Sweetheart, Fluff and Crack, Idiots in Love, M/M, No Underage Sex, Protective Erik, Sassy Raven, big sister raven, erik and raven are brother and sister, idk how to tag fml sorry, set in Britain, slightly OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-08-24 17:21:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16644509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inazumaghostking/pseuds/inazumaghostking
Summary: Erik is determined to fuck Charles.Raven is determined to stop them.a.k.a. a sibling fight ft. two gay boys, a concerned sister, and a closet





	bad things happen when you mix siblings with spite

**Author's Note:**

> it all started with a pun  
> then it turned into a fanfic,,, fml  
> i have no beta reader, only grammarly (not spon)  
> so all mistakes are mine! i apologise in advance for them

“That little shit,” Raven muttered as she tossed yet another shirt aside. “That little fucking shit is going to pay,”

Erik Lehnsherr is Raven’s asshole of a brother; younger by 6 years. Like normal siblings, the two are caught up in a never-ending rivalry that seemingly does not have a visible line. It’s been like since the dawn of time. For example, when Erik was a mere 3-year-old, he stuck superglue (no, they have no idea how he even got his hands on it) in Raven’s prized ginger locks, forcing her to get the most disgusting bowl cut in history. Apparently, age isn’t enough to stop the works of the Devil. Then, when Raven was 13, she ‘accidentally’ broke Erik’s favourite Hot Wheels™ car. After that day, even _Satan himself_ would claim that Erik’s too much for him.

But it’s not too bad, right? People always say that you’ll learn to love your siblings when you get older… the thing is, they, unfortunately, haven’t gone through that transformation yet. They don’t joke or _harmlessly_ prank, and they haven’t developed any form of closeness yet. If anything, their crimes only got worse throughout the years.

For instance: last night, Mr Erik asshat Lehnsherr apparently thought it’d be _funny_ to completely jam Raven’s sewing machine – which, as an at-home-designer, is practically a crime worse than _murder_ – leaving Raven to spend hours undoing his mess when she _could’ve_ been finishing commissions. The worse part was, he didn’t even tell her about it; just left it for her to find out at 10’o’clock at night!

But alas, revenge is sweet. And by sweet, she means, ‘I’m going to sew an embarrassing number of sentient cupcakes onto his favourite leather jacket’.

Specifically, the one from Buzzfeed with the terribly annoying voice and edgy advice. You know, the one with the _extremely_ extroverted personality that Erik _despises_ oh so much; the one that Raven just so happens to have spare patches of.

Never mess with someone who can sew.

Now if only she could find it – a task that appeared almost impossible amongst the mountain of muted clothing. Honestly, would it kill him to sort out his closet every once in a while? Half the clothes have fallen off their hangers! Teenaged boys are so annoying.

After digging for what felt like _hours_ , her hand finally met that familiar texture of cow skin. “Success!” she exclaimed, unearthing it from the ambiguously smelling pile of shirts. She held her prize up and marvelled at the canvas, envisioning each grossly bright cupcake ogling at her cunt-brother with a shit-eating grin.

Then the front door clicked.

Raven swore sharply under her breath. Her head frantically examined the room for a quick escape; however, none proved productive. If they heard her running, then Erik would know something was up and ruin her brilliant plan; if they catch her in his room, then Erik would know something was up and ruin her brilliant plan.

It felt like a lose-lose situation… that was until the still-open closet door beckoned her with promises of temporary asylum. She _really_ didn’t want to have to resort to that, but it seemed she had no other choice. Besides, Erik wouldn’t spend too long in his room – he usually spends his time in town or in the kitchen when with Charles: Erik trying (and failing) to study; Charles trying (and sometimes succeeding) to help him.

Swallowing her dignity – and her breath – Raven crawled into the shelter of cologne and testosterone, shutting the light out behind her. Distant voices grew louder, accompanied with pattern-less steps upon the stairs. This informed Raven that Charles was indeed with him.

‘This won’t take long,’ she thought to gladly herself. ‘They’ll dump their stuff and be on their merry way like always! Then I can exact my vengeance.’

Raven peered through the gap between the closet doors. It didn’t give her a clear view of the entire room, but she could see the entrance just fine. Just as she predicted, the two of them stripped themselves of their schoolbags upon entering. Erik, naturally, haphazardly leaves it slumped against the frame of his door (‘so it’s ready in the morning!’ he always claims whenever either Raven or Edie reprimands him for it, but Raven knew it was just a bullshit excuse). Charles does the same – a habit that would be surprising to outsiders, seeing as most _assume_ he’s the neater one; but if you compare their rooms, Charles unquestionably wins the prize of being the messiest. His appearance and innocent demeanour mask the image of various books and papers he arbitrarily strews across his room. Sure, it isn’t _disgusting_ messy, but it definitely falls under the category of a ‘disordered mad scientist’ – something her entire family is only _half_ convinced Charles is and/or will become. Erik gets the benefit of the doubt of at least having  _some_ order.

“Raven?” Erik called out, snapping her out of her internal tangent. He peered his head out of his room, calling her name out a couple more times. “Guess she’s not home.”

“Mm,” his friend sounded, kneeling down to zip open his bag. He pulls out a hefty textbook, placing it down as he continues to fish for something else in the pocket. “Where is she?”

“Don’t know. Probs went to get her machine fixed,” said Erik, causing Raven to mutedly scoff. That asshole – always _aware_ that he did _something_ wrong, but never truly expressing remorse for it. At least, not to her. When it comes to _Charles_ , Erik doesn’t think twice before saying sorry.

“Really, you should really talk to her about it. Explain that it was an accident and _apologise_.” Charles gently scolded, as if reading Raven’s mind. Erik grumbled, crossing his arms across his chest. “No, I’m being serious Erik!” He stood, book and pencil case clutched to his chest as he looked him in the eyes. His lips downturned into a soft frown that caused the other’s scowl to relax. “She’s already stressed enough about finishing commissions and costumes and whatnot, and you just had to go along and delay that process by messing with her equipment. It’s not a very nice thing to do, love, especially when she does so much for you already,”

Pride warmed itself within her stomach. Raven had always liked Charles. Ever since they were young, Charles had always been the one with sense – a skill that has only _minutely_ rubbed off on Erik. Nevertheless, the brit was always a joy the be around – which was good, since he was almost always around. What, with Erik’s devastating people skills that only Charles seemed to find endearing and the latter’s own mess of a home life, it was no shock that they were essentially joint at the hip. Even now, the two are as close as ever. To be frank, it felt weirder for Charles _not_ to be around. He’s basically an honorary little brother, a title Raven is proud to give him considering her biological one can be a massive dick sometimes.

Erik gave into Charles’ guilting gaze, pulling the smaller into a one-armed hug. “Okay. Fine. I’ll think about it.”

Charles giggled, lightly smacking him with his stationary. He then leaned onto his tiptoes, pressing his lips against Erik’s. Raven blinked, eyebrows furrowing deeply as she tried to make sense of what just happened. The brief action seemed so natural yet abnormal that she wasn’t sure if she imagined it or not. Intimacy isn’t uncommon between them – they definitely hugged and touched a lot, but Raven had just assumed it was friendly. Besides, it’s not like boys _have_ to be dating just because they’re affectionate! It’s not gay to platonically love your same-sex friends.

“Anyways, we need to get cracking on that– “

A loud thump vibrated against the floor. Raven’s eyes widened at the spectacle before her. As quietly as she could, she slid towards to side to find a better angle – one that would confirm that her brother was, in fact, pinning a certain childhood friend to a certain childhood wall. From what Raven could see – and, regrettably, _hear_ – the boys appeared to be… engaged in certain mouth activities, book long forgotten by their feet. She tried as best she could to squeeze her eyes shut, but the wet noises made Raven’s stomach twist. She felt like a little kid. It wasn’t as if she’s inexperienced in the intimacy department but watching the two people she practically helped raise doing that _together_... it was scarring, to say the least; it felt _wrong_.

“Erik… you need to finish your project…” Charles breathily managed over his panting, though his arguments fell on deaf ears.

“Project?” Erik ponders, laying audible kisses along Charles’ neck. The latter trembled under his hold, the pressure on his shoulders leaving a pleasant burn on his skin. Erik stops briefly, pressing a smirk against the warmth of Charles’ collarbone. “I’ve finished it.”

A sceptical chuckle radiated the room. “Finished? Then how come you told me you needed me to come over because of _urgent_ matters?”

God, Raven had no idea how much more she could take. Acid scraped against her throat, the burning sensation virtually singeing the hairs in her nose. “The _urgent matter_ is how desperate I am to fuck you,” Erik growled in response – a sentence Raven never _ever_ wanted to hear her baby brother say, thank you very much!

Erik proceeded to nip at Charles’ lips, making Raven realise exactly _why_ they’ve looked redder lately. Heavy kisses seemed to bounce against her eardrums; rustles of clothing rubbing together roared like the wind in a storm. Even now, her eyes refused to come out from its refuge out of fear of permanent mental scarring. Hell, since she couldn’t block out the sounds as her hands were paralysed against the side of her body, there was definitely damage already dealt that no amount of ice cream or alcohol could heal.

“Charlie,” came Erik’s voice, hushed and heated, after an interminable amount of revolting moist smacks. “Spread your legs for me,”

Charles only answered in moans. And that was when Raven snapped.

A large tremor jerked her entire body, and a sensation of falling overtook her. She didn’t even realise she was screaming until two more voices joined her. Finally, her eyelids cracked open. Greeting her was the couple in question: Charles pulling an unbuttoned shirt across a formerly exposed shoulder; and Erik wide-eyed, the lower half of his body angled away for _obvious_ reasons.

“Raven, what the fuck?” he yelled, face glowing brighter and brighter every second. “What are you doing in the closet?!”

Without thinking, only one panicked retort came. “What are _you_?!"

“Wha…” Both of them gaped in confusion, plunging all of them into aching quiet.

“Y-You know! Because you’re… b-because you never told… uhm…” Raven bit her bottom lip hard to stop herself from stuttering. This is _not_ the time for puns.

Finally, once the majority of their blood finished pooling in their faces, Raven picked herself back up, finding anywhere to stare that’s not them. “Never mind! B-Both of you, downstairs!” she demanded. No one moved. From the corner of her eye, she could see Erik still caging Charles against the wall, arms petrified. Meanwhile, Charles was still desperately clutching his shirt together with one hand; the other, however, was far too occupied holding her brother’s trousers up. The desire to die grew stronger. “Oh god, okay; get _dressed_ and then come downstairs!”

And with that, she made an awkward beeline for the exit.

Raven paced impatiently in the living room, trying desperately to resist the urge to tear out her hair. She liked to consider herself as an observant person. Sure, she’s not a complete empath with an ability to read minds (because really, that’s just insane!), but she _does_ know how to read certain vibes. Or, at least she thought she did. How did she not see this coming?

Approximately a million thoughts raced through her mind, each one conflicting and clashing against each other. She had no idea what to think.

On one hand, it’s downright _bizarre_. It just never occurred to her that this might happen – not with how domestic and familial it feels with Charles. For crying out loud, one of her earliest memories of the kid was how the three of them would cuddle up in bed with their mum to watch whatever movie was running on T.V.! Charles has just always been this constant presence in their household that it felt wrong to think of him as anything more than just a brother.

… then again, Raven was never _truly_ the one _with_ Charles. Sure, she watched him develop from a shy little kid into a confident, intelligent young man, but she wasn’t there to _see_ the metamorphosis. She wasn’t the one who held him when his stepfather carried out various injustices towards him; she wasn’t the one witnessed the moment his hesitant smiles turn into freeing grins. She isn’t the one who gets to spend every minute of every day slowly falling more and more in love with him.

And suddenly, Raven feels _very_ stupid for making a bigger deal out of this than it actually was.

The landing creaked momentarily before coming to a halt, the pause followed by unintelligible whispers that sounded suspiciously anxious. Without even consciously noticing, Raven had already made up her mind.

Just because she’d accept them as a couple, doesn’t mean she can’t mess with them, right?

Eventually, the boys completed the shameful trek downstairs. Erik stood in front; shoulders squared, and jaw clenched. Raven lifted an eyebrow, tilting her head slightly.

“Before you say anything, I just wanted to say a few things,” Erik said through gritted teeth, shaking hands curling into a fist.

“Erik,” she tried, but he continued. Raven knew she could end this now and save him the breath, but the determination in his eyes caused all words to die in her throat.

“I don’t care what you think of me and Charles! I don’t care if you’re disgusted or confused or… whatever! I am in love with him, and you can’t stop us from being together!” he declared, interlocking his fingers with his boyfriend’s. Charles, evidently not expecting the bold declaration, melted into a sappy goop of heart eyes and beams. It was sickening. It was _disgusting_.

Raven wants what they have.

“Erik! Quit your monologuing and listen to what I have to say first!” She said, covering up her becoming smile with a roll of eyes. Erik visibly deflated. “It’s not my business who either of you goes out with. As long as you treat each other with respect and make each other happy, then I don’t care that you’re together.

“But… that doesn’t mean I’m okay with you two doing anything too _adult_. You’re still kids after all, and frankly, I don’t think I can deal with that without washing my eyeballs and brains out with bleach until I spit blood.”

The remaining pink on Charles’ cheeks darkened to a flattering cherry, his grip on Erik’s hand tightening. Erik, however, had a less docile reaction. “Excuse me? And who are you to tell me and my boyfriend what we can and can’t do?”

He attempted to stare her down, but Raven has been playing this game for _many_ years. She’s more than practice when it comes to dealing with her brother’s tenacious personality. She _was_ the one who had to deal with the Infamous Tantrum of ’04, where 4-year-old Erik locked both himself and Charles in the toilet because he didn’t want Charles to leave. It’ll be just like that, except with more penises involved… and this time, Raven will win.

“You heard me. No sex. Besides, Charles is only 17.”

“So? Age of consent in Britain is 16. And, more importantly, _Charles_ was giving consent!” The person in question was frozen in place, slowly melting from the burning blush. If you listened _very_ closely, you could hear his desperate pleas for the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

What happened instead was either the next best thing or the worst possible outcome: Edie Lehnsherr arrived home.

One could only imagine the thoughts that would go through someone’s head when presented with the sight of three red children – two of which are locked within a death-glare match so intense, they didn’t even notice her enter; the last, stained with hickeys peeking atop a flimsy collar, quietly dying from further embarrassment.

 “What is going on here?” She sighed. Immediately, her wretched spawn flung into throws of incoherent rants. She glanced between them both, a headache sprouting amongst a garden of fatigue. Charles’ silence starkly contrasted against them, arousing a bout of pity within her. She knitted together her eyebrows. She’s too old for this shit. “Alright, alright, enough!”

Edie pushed past them, softly placing a hand on Charles’ shoulder. She guided him towards their sofa, discarding her scarf and jacket and throwing them onto the back. Erik followed them, face exactly mirroring that of a kicked puppy. “But, mum-“

“No buts!” She interrupted, placing her hands on her hips. “Whatever fight is happening between you two this time, leave Charles and me out of it. Erik, you’re 18 now. Raven, you’re 24! You’re both old enough to sort this out _like adults_.” This shut them up. Peace – if you could even call it that – finally settled. Edie took this chance to steal a calming breath while she still could. “Charles, would you like to join me? I think I need some chamomile tea.”

“Gladly,” the boy said without any hesitation. And so, they swiftly left, leaving the siblings alone in an icy cold atmosphere.

After mentally burning down the door, they shared a look – a look they were both accustomed to. Things were _far_ from over; in fact, it had barely begun. This was no longer a battle. This was _war_.

Erik is determined to fuck Charles.

Raven is determined to stop them.

Now, _logically_ , Raven knows that she has zero right dictating what they can and can’t do as a couple. As her mum said, little baby Erik is no longer a baby – he’s _18_ for Christ sake! The boy can drive, and he sure as hell knows where he wants to park. Yes, she could give them all the advice in the world, but at the end of the day, they need to experience the absolute rollercoaster relationships are themselves. Moreover, Erik is a sensible guy; he’d rather be skinned alive than hurt Charles. He understands consent and would _never_ pressure him into doing something he doesn’t want to do.

She’s seen them as friends. She’s seen Erik treat Charles with the utmost respect the kid doesn’t get from most people. Erik has stood up for him, taken care of him, and is just so _gentle_. He gives him space when he needs space; he stays up with Charles when he can’t sleep – and vice versa. They have a completely functional relationship that’s far too stable and wonderful to need any form of intervention…

… but the pissed off expression on her brother’s face is just _far_ too tempting.

Cockblocking her brother – her stubborn, teenage brother – is definitely better payback than some already forgotten cupcake patches.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> just to clarify a few things:  
> \- agh i know they're all a bit ooc here but eh it's a crackfic. my justification is that edie is alive and edie is a great mum so -erik isn't completely angsty and edgy like he usually is  
> \- i decided to make erik and raven the siblings since they would be more competitive with each other (considering charl is too soft to purposely do malicious shit to raven ig idk)  
> \- i've decided to make raven ginger since her natural blue form has red hair, so yeah, she's a ginge  
> oh i MIGHT add a chapter 2, depending on how motivated i feel (or i might disappear for another three years and not post)


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